Immortals

I caught Immortals today, being someone who loves Greek mythology and has read such stories since I was young. (NOTE: Spoilers below.)

Here is the synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes:

The brutal and bloodthirsty King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) and his murderous Heraklion army are rampaging across Greece in search of the long lost Bow of Epirus. With the invincible Bow, the king will be able to overthrow the Gods of Olympus and become the undisputed master of his world. With ruthless efficiency, Hyperion and his legions destroy everything in their wake, and it seems nothing will stop the evil king's mission. As village after village is obliterated, a stonemason named Theseus (Henry Cavill) vows to avenge the death of his mother in one of Hyperion's raids. When Theseus meets the Sybelline Oracle, Phaedra (Freida Pinto), her disturbing visions of the young man's future convince her that he is the key to stopping the destruction. With her help, Theseus assembles a small band of followers and embraces his destiny in a final desperate battle for the future of humanity. 

The show was a total let down. Other than the whole plot not staying true to the original Greek mythology at all (really, not at all!), it was also filled with holes and gaps that are so big that it couldn't even hold rocks.

The movie seemed to revolve around the Bow of Epirus, which is supposedly so powerful that its wielder can conquer the world and defeat Gods. In the end, King Hyperion only used it once - to destroy the gates of a fortress. After the gates fell, he had the chance to send several more arrows in (yes, ammo is unlimited) to wreak more destruction. But he didn't. Hmm. Other usages of this legendary bow were minor and hardly worth mentioning.

When the fortress was breached, the soldiers panicked and tried to flee. Theseus managed to hold them together with a speech in a lacklustre tone that was barely audible. In just a few seconds, all of them had such a huge morale boost that they were banging their shields and pumping their spears in the air. Nice. Obama could learn a thing from two from Theseus, man.

Also, this is a Greek movie, dammit. Why is the oracle so obviously Indian? She looked so out of place, and as one movie reviewer said, she has to be "the loosest virgin in the Peloponnese". Her reason for sleeping with Theseus? "I want to see the world with my own eyes." (if she loses her virginity, her oracle powers would be lost as well) Oh my god. I didn't need extra cheese to go with this.

I thought Titans are supposed to be big. Huge. Enormous. Gigantic. The movie's Titans were human sized, and the way they were imprisoned in a cage with long bars across their mouths made them perfect for table soccer.

The caged Titans, from Immortals. Table soccer, anyone? Source: Latinoreview.com

I should have checked Rotten Tomatoes first before watching (they gave it a score of 38%). When King Hyperion said, "His pain has just began", I think he was referring to some of the audience.